Chunks of Change – extraordinary tools for everyday use

Years ago I realized that I had an extraordinary set of tools that I had inherited from studying with masters in several different fields.

Each of these tools has changed my life in some significant way and is something that I use nearly every day.

I realized though that everyday folk would not have access to these exceptional tools since they were not something readily available to the public.

For me they came through a series of lengthy trainings, anywhere from 7-21 days a piece, but because they are so practical and useful, I felt they should not just be relegated to professional use. So I created a series called, “Chunks of Change” in which I put together the most effective tools for everyday use to change our lives.

My criteria for choosing each one was how practical, simple and useful it could be to someone who knew nothing about the fields of NLP (neurolinguistic programming), Ericksonian hypnosis and NVC (nonviolent communication), the major fields that I’ve studied.

Some of the tools overlap and several are ones that I’ve created myself, so there is quite an interesting smorgasbord here. Just to whet your appetite for what is coming, here is the overview of my favorite tools for everyday use.

1.  Rapport
2.  Sensory acuity
3.  Deep listening
4.  Heart balance
5.  State control
6.  Non-verbal communication
7.  Trance

These are the skills of the masters that have been passed on to me. I will explore more thoroughly in upcoming posts. I hope you find them useful, enjoyable and life changing!

Please check out my other blogs: www.storieschangetheworld.com and www.talesfromthelovegoddess.com

Are You Hot, or Not-Hot?

The other day I was sitting in a sauna really enjoying myself. Ahhh, it felt so good to relax in the nice dry intense heat.

Then it hit me – what if I was in the desert, would the heat be the same? What would really be the difference between a sauna and the desert?

Actually nothing.

That’s when I realized that it really is all inside our minds, our perceptions of how we are influences everything. I know most of us already know this, but it doesn’t hurt to review it again and take a deeper look.

So if you’re in a sauna and it is supremely hot, why do you enjoy that versus if you were in the desert and it was supremely hot, why would you not enjoy that heat?

So is it hot or not-hot??

What I realized is that when I’m in the sauna, I am internally focused on relaxation and on the benefits that I am receiving. More importantly, just outside of my awareness is the knowing that I can open that door at any moment and get out!

Whereas if I’m in the desert, I would certainly be focused on how darned hot it is, how little water I have and how the heat is drying out my skin and frying my brain. Lurking in the background is the realization that there is no quick escape out of there – and that makes all the difference.

Just this one tiny distinction between one thought and another creates a completely different reality between dying to get out of the heat and enjoying being in it. Isn’t it amazing what these tiny but important differences in perception make?

The perceptions we have really do change everything.  Next time it’s really hot outside, or really cold, put yourself in a nice oasis of calm and see if you cool down just a bit. It may not seem like it but much of what you experience is inside your mind.

Embracing Change – even when you don’t want to!

UGH!

I hate, hate, hate all of the changes that are happening with social media. This week Facebook is once again changing their overall format.

Eek, when is all this change going to stop?

I want to scream – nooooooooooo, enough change. But it does no good.

For you see, no matter how much I scream or resist those medium, they are not going to stop changing. So what is a gal to do but embrace change?

I don’t want to. But I will.

The sweet part is that when I posted this on Facebook, I got a wonderful note from a dear friend. Bob and I go back many years, we were in theater together in high school.

Here is what he said to me, “ANNIE… you are a storyteller. Help us cope with change through a story. As we grow older we MUST embrace change and not resist it. Dig deep with this one you can help lead us through the hard world of advancement. Love you”

Isn’t that lovely? And you know what? He is right. So gosh darnit, I am embracing these f@*ing changes if it kills me. Here’s why I am doing it:

1.because I believe the power of connection and community is worth more than my annoyance at how things are managed

2.because the world is in flux and I need to be a role model for flexibility and adaptability

3.it’s not going away just because I don’t like it so I’m going with it

What about you? What annoys you in this modern world of change, change, change and how can you embrace it?

Yes things are speeded up and some days it feels like there is no getting off the merry-go-round, but I do believe that we can breathe, relax and give thanks even in the midst of all this annoying change.

That’s just life in a modern world – embrace it.

Thanks Bob for your loving note and caring enough about me to challenge me to embrace change. It’s people like you that make all this change worth the effort.

Be the Change You Want to See – but how?

I love the philosophy of “Be the Change You Want to See in the World,” but I also want to know exactly HOW to do that.

Philosophies are lovely but we need to know exactly how to put them into action.

To do something deep and meaningful, you need a strong combination of idea, intention, action and follow through, don’t you think?

I think we all want to be the change, but how many of us actually are the change?

It is critical to distinguish between a good idea and a realized one.

Too often we get stopped somewhere in between a good idea and some follow through. Therefore it may help to outline some steps to take us from vision to action, in order to be the change you want to see in the world.

Here are a few questions to answer:

• 1. What is the thing that annoys you most in the world?
• 2. What is the one thing you’d change about other people?
• 3. What do you love the most about life?

Take your answers to those questions and then take a good hard look at yourself. If you find an easy answer, it’s probably not the one we’re looking for here.

Dig deeper.

To be the change you want to see in the world, you have to change something about yourself.

What is it? What is that annoying quality or that unworkable trait that you have that you just know really doesn’t serve you?

What is it?

If it comes easily, then it’s probably not the one. There is great benefit in digging deep and really finding the things below the surface that are not easily seen – those are the ones that make the most difference.

To be the change you want to see in the world – find the part of you that has defied change up until now and do something different about that. As the quantum scientists say – even a butterfly that flaps its wings in China will effect you across the world, wherever you are.

No change is too small to be noticed by the universe.

Inspiration – you can have some every day

Yes I know it can be hard to find inspiration. Some days life can feel like a total slog, but if you think about it, that can be inspiring too.

You see in nature, everything is just everything.

What the heck does that mean?!! It means that every thing is useable energy, available as part of the cycle of life.

Sometimes we feel tired or deadened and are looking around for something to perk us up – something to inspire us.

In-spire comes from the word to breathe.

How are you breathing in life today? Are you sitting around waiting for something to happen or are you the one in-spiring (creating) life everywhere you go?

When you go to the grocery store – step in the door, breathe your energy into that space and smile at everyone you see. They will think you’re crazy of course but then those that change the world always are.

Your breakthrough is not to wait for things to happen to you. Go inspire the energy around you everywhere you go – today and every day. That way you take inspiration in your travel bag and are never lost without it.

You are a master creator – go inspire life.

Doing That One Thing

What is that one thing that you always talk about doing, wish you would do or envy others when they do it?

What is that one thing?? Think about it.

Realize that if you don’t start now doing that one thing, then you may never do it. I know that sounds like a harsh reality but it is true.

I study human behavior. Maybe you do too? Not the kind in the books but the kind that you observe in everyday life. And I notice that if people don’t actually start doing the things they talk about, then they never actually do them.

Sad but true.

The other week I had lunch with a friend – a lovely woman in her sixties who has been speaking about “going to Italy someday.” But she’s been saying this ever since I met her four years ago. So when is someday I wondered?

So I asked her – “Why don’t you go ahead and plan a trip this year?”

“Oh nooooo,” she said. “I can’t do it this year. This year we are repainting the downstairs and then of course we will need some new carpeting and the furniture is looking old as well.”

Ok sure. I understand that. But when are you going to actually do what you’ve been talking about doing? My sense was with my friend that the answer is never.

I don’t see her ever going to Italy. Do you?

You see because it’s not about having enough money or winning the lottery or that perfect moment in time when all the stars align and it’s just right for you to go. That one thing is just waiting for you to make the first move.

The Universe rewards those who take a leap!

That one thing is rarely convenient – neither in taking trips, writing your book, falling in love, having a baby or anything else. The things that matter in life often require a great stretch on our part.

I am not downing my friend, but my honest sense was that it’s not about the carpet or the new furniture or anything else like that. It is just another one of the many ways that we stop ourselves from going for what we really want in life.

So think about it – what is that one thing that you really want to do?

Then set it into motion today. One step towards is all it takes. You don’t want to be looking back years from now wishing you’d finally done it.

Take a leap.

Appreciative Feedback Takes you Farther

I was at my weekly Toastmasters meeting when they announced that the speaker for the evening had not shown up.

They asked if anyone would be willing to get up and give an impromtu speech. Being the fool that I am I said yes.

I told a story about heartfelt feelings and the tenderness of life. It was a story that was actually very tender for me and I was sure that others would appreciate it. I told it without any preparation, just assuming that my own presence and the emotional tone of the piece would be enough.

Apparently it was not.

When the three judges got up to give their feedback, they ripped into my piece. One critic mentioned that I had already given another speech similar to this, the next judge mentioned something else wrong with my story and by the time the third person started to speak, I had already zoned out and was wanting to crawl under the table or run out the door. I cried 95% of the way home, but in the last 5% of my trip I got really angry.

How dare they critique my speech that way!

I had put my whole heart into it. It didn’t deserve this kind of critical treatment. I didn’t think about it then but this probably reminded me of every other critical feedback I had ever received.

By the time I got home, I had devised a plan. I was going to contact the head of our Toastmasters group and tell him how I felt. There were three men in charge of our group, all of whom had been with our group for quite a few years.

I got home and wrote them an email, telling them exactly what happened and why I was upset. I expected them to agree with me, understand the unfairness of the situation and take some action to correct it.

One of them was mildly understanding but didn’t move forward to do anything, another said that’s just the way it is, but much to my surprise the president of the club actually told me that he felt critical feedback was necessary.

He believed that since our world is difficult and hard, this kind of feedback actually helps harden us and prepare us for life.

Ouch! I totally disagree.

I remembered back to several of my NLP trainings – one with the masterful Robert Dilts was my trainer’s training, in which we used ‘fish feedback’, or appreciative feedback after everything we did. It worked really well and I grew a lot from that training. There are some pieces of feedback that I’ve never forgotten.

Another mentor of mine the wonderful story coach, Doug Lipman also uses appreciative feedback instead of critque and everyone always grows great amounts in his workshops. I have experienced this in my Artist’s conference group as well.

Yes the critique style of feedback does work for something – but what is that exactly? Well it does tell you what you’re doing wrong, but the problem with that is that given how our brain works, we tend to internalize that in a way that is not so useful.

We tend to become more inhibited and less expressed with critical feedback, than with appreciation that takes us farther.

Take for example the feedback another NLP trainer gave to me. She said, “You are twenty feet tall and bigger than this room. You can do anything you want to.”

Wow. I never forgot that feedback and every time I’ve wanted to give up on something or thought I couldn’t do it, I’ve remembered what she said, and ironically she was usually a very critical woman. I’ve gone farther with that one comment than with all the negative feedback, meant to help me, that I’ve ever received.

So I planned my revenge.

Six months later I went back to my Toastmaster’s group and gave a speech on appreciative feedback. I told the story of being critiqued harshly by the leader of a storytelling workshop that I had taken.

Of course, as a storyteller I greatly dramatized his critical part and made it large enough that people could really feel it. I mentioned how it crushed me and I gave up working on stories for months after that.

Then I told about the appreciative feedback I’d received at my NLPU training and how many things it helped me to do that I never thought I could.

At the end of my speech there was total silence. Several people were welling up with tears in their eyes. I think everyone was remembering their own pain of critical feedback.

I won a blue ribbon for that speech. Nice, but I didn’t care about that. I only wanted to show that critical feedback does not actually help us grow into the great and magnificent human beings that we truly are.

Appreciative feedback is not all sugar and honey and meant to leave out the need for change, but it does take us farther in the direction that all of us want to go.

How to Be Happy No Matter What!

I’m going to tell you the key to happiness right up front, but first let me tell you a story…..

Several months ago, I met with the father of a young woman who wanted to become a client of mine. Her father was trying to get a sense of me and one of the questions he asked me was “Are you happy?”

I felt this was a trick question. Let me tell you why – because how can we say we are happy or not when happiness is a momentary and fleeting thing?

Do you mean am I happy in this moment? In my life in general? Exactly what kind of happiness are you talking about? One that is without pain, anguish, despair, depression??? Hmmm….

Don’t worry, I didn’t not say all this to him, but it did go through my mind. What I said instead was, “I have peace.”

He looked at me quizically. It wasn’t the answer he expected. I tend not to give those very often. But then I explained it for him. I said, “I consider peace to be a deeper state of being than happiness.”

And there folks is the key to everything – how to be happy no matter what. Because you can’t honestly always ‘feel’ happy but you can always see the deeper purpose, find the meaning and the value, even when it’s hard, and that ultimately gives you peace.

Peace is worth far more gold than happiness. Happiness is nice when it comes but miserable when it disappears. It is just like clouds that come and go and occasionally cover the sunshine. We don’t appreciate cloudy days very much and long for the sun to come back.

But again the key is to find peace that is stable by always looking underneath the actual circumstances of your life.

The mystics say that there are two realms – the realm of the human and the realm of the divine. The realm of the human is pure chaos. We are a mess! We’re always worried, always scared, always chaotic. We can’t help ourselves that’s just the way we are wired.

But the realm of the divine is always there too – quiet, peaceful and eternal. That’s how we find peace. We sit down (or move around) and connect to the beauty, majesty and grace that is always all around us.

So be happy in your peace of mind no matter how cloudy it gets!

And no I didn’t take on the gentleman’s daughter as my client, she wasn’t quite ready for a breakthrough, but I did get to remind myself of the only thing that matters in life – that peace of mind is our gold.

** I’d like to thank my friend B from India who inspired this post! If there is anything you’d like me to write about friends, let me know. I’m always here to inspire your life.

“I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet….”

Remember that old Carol King song? “I feel the earth move under my feet. I feel the skies come tumbling down.”

Well this week I actually felt my very first earthquake!

I was sitting at my dining room table having lunch when suddenly my table started shaking. I thought it was odd but then I felt my floor shaking under my feet. I thought I was hallucinating!

Then my dog started barking and things on the walls started rattling. I thought my house was falling down!

But when I ran to the front window I saw my neighbor’s house shaking as well. I never thought it might be an earthquake because we’ve never had one here in Pennsylvania before.

So this brings me to my point that the whole earth is shaking, not just this week, but things are changing on a very deep level and sometimes that feels very frightening of course.

It’s time for something new. The earth is a metaphor for our world and the changes that we all need to make. So rather than fearing the changes maybe it’s time to embrace them and move into the storm.

When fear strikes we tend to react or pull away. That is actually the worst thing we could do in most circumstances. If we can retain our calm, balance and clear thinking during the storms, then we can actually move through them and come out on the other side into calm waters.

Years ago I heard someone say that a psychological tenant of the stock market was that when times are lean you need to push forward and when times are expansive, you should pull back instead.

It is psychologically counter-intuitive to do, but truly the best thing for managing the energy. We tend to do just the opposite when we are scared or panicked. In fear we restrict, when what we could do instead is push for a bit more space and expand.

Where is the earth moving in your life? Where are you resisting it or wishing things would just settle down to how they were? Life needs to change. That is a fact that we need to embrace, especially in these times.

Instead of resisting or reacting, find the point of the wave and ride it forward to new ground.

The Ordinary Fear of the New

Ah now why do I call it an ‘ordinary’ fear? That’s because it is, ordinary that is.

We think of fear as something annoying and something to get rid of. But anytime we go to try something new, we’re going to feel that ordinary fear of the unknown.

It’s just the way our brain is wired.

Does that mean we can’t change it? No, of course not. But it does mean that we should look ahead and expect this ordinary fear to surface anytime we try to create something bigger or bring more into our life.

This sounds really obvious but it’s not. What I see over and over again with people who try to do bigger things is that they start out GREAT – great ideas, great energy and great plans.

But then what happens?

Ah, then what’s next is the undertow of the wave. It’s going to pull you back. This doesn’t mean you should stop or that you can’t overcome this obstacle, but I see very few people who go forward towards their dreams with this simple understanding.

In any movement forward, there is always going to be a magnetic pull back towards the known.

Until we realize that the ordinary fear of the new is going to sprout up in just about any new endeavor, then that endeavor is doomed to get blocked or fail altogether. So why not take this into account up front before you even begin?

Anytime you go to try something new or bigger than before, ask yourself these 3 things:

1. Do I have the resources I need to overcome the inevitable obstacles that will appear?

2. How can I keep going when they do arrive?

3. Am I committed to the entire process and not just the fun, easy or good parts?

If you can think through and handle these things, then you can handle just about anything that will crop up. This is a beautiful, lovely way to dance the tango with the ordinary but inescapable fear of the new.

Try it and let me know your thoughts. How  are you moving differently with that ordinary fear of the new?